Car conversation with Victor:

ME: Oh my God, did you see the name of that cemetery we just passed? “Resurrection Cemetery.” What a horrible name for a cemetery.

VICTOR: It’s because they believe in the resurrection of believers, dumb-ass.

ME: Still. Some things just shouldn’t be resurrected. Just what we need is a bunch of damn zombies wandering the earth.

VICTOR: That’s not “resurrection.” That’s “reanimation.”

ME: Same difference. Although I guess “Reanimation Cemetery” would sound way more creepy.

VICTOR: It’s not the same difference. Zombies are reanimated, but they don’t have their previous mental capacity, so it’s not a resurrection. Technically that’s a “zombification.”

ME: Well, if you want to get all technical, then how about vampires?

VICTOR: Um... they’re fine?

ME: What I mean is, vampires have their “previous mental capacity,” thus by your logic they are “resurrected.” Might as well name it “Jesus-Is-Bringing-You-Vampires Cemetery.”

VICTOR: No. That’s not the same thing, because when you resurrect someone from the grave they aren’t undead.

ME: No, they are TOTALLY undead. That’s like the very definition of the undead.

VICTOR: No. A vampire is undead. The resurrected aren’t undead.

ME: I think you don’t know what “undead” means.

VICTOR: I THINK YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT “UNDEAD” MEANS!

ME: Oh my God, calm down, Darwin. Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey wrench in your faulty Jesus-zombie logic.

VICTOR: [sigh] Look, there are all sorts of exceptions you aren’t considering. You can reanimate someone without making them a real “zombie.” For instance, you could bring them back simply to perform a task.

ME: Yeah. And that’s called a zombie.

VICTOR: No, because it wouldn’t crave brains. It’d just have a job to do. Look it up.

ME: Oh, I will look it up. I’ll look it up in “The Dictionary of Shit That Doesn’t Exist.”

***** Five minutes of angry silence *****

ME: So, I was talking to the organ donation lady at work the other day and she told me a secret way that you can’t not give away my organs.

VICTOR: You know what? I fucking dare you to make less sense.

ME: Well, I know you’re anti-organ donation, and so I told her I was afraid that you wouldn’t let the doctor take my organs if I died first, but she said if I list my mom as my next of kin on my donor card then they won’t even ask you for your permission.

VICTOR: If you want to throw away all your organs I won’t stop you. Just don’t come complaining to me when I see you in the afterlife and you’re all, ”Oh my God, I just peed all over myself because someone else has my bladder.”

ME: Fine. And if you die first I’m totally donating all your organs too.

VICTOR: Like hell you are. I may need them.

ME: Why would you need them? YOU’RE DEAD.

VICTOR: What if I become a zombie? Huh, smart-ass? I’d be a pretty shitty zombie if they took my eyes out. I’d be biting poles and cats and shit.

ME: So you’re making a decision not to save someone’s life on the off chance that it might be inconvenient if you turn into a less efficient zombie?

VICTOR: It sounds stupid when you say it.

ME: Fine. I’ll just donate the parts that a zombie doesn’t need. Like your skin. Or your brain tissue.

VICTOR: Zombies need brains.

ME: No, zombies eat brains. And then those victims become other zombies, even though their brains have been eaten by other zombies, so obviously you could donate your brain and still be a functional zombie.

VICTOR: Yeah, and then I’ve gotta spend eternity wandering the world as a mindless idiot.

ME: [snort]

VICTOR: Shut up.

ME: I didn’t say anything.

VICTOR: If zombie-me finds out I’ve got parts missing you will be the very first person I eat.

ME: What if you die in a car crash and Hailey is badly injured and the only way she can survive is if she can have your kidneys?

VICTOR: She’d be a pretty fucked-up-looking toddler with my gigantic man-size kidneys in her.

ME: Okay, what if she’s sixteen when it happens?

VICTOR: If she’s sixteen and I die then she can totally have my stuff. But just the nonessential stuff...like an arm or some fingers.

ME: I’m sure she’ll be the most popular girl in school with your hairy old man arm.

VICTOR: Ooh, and if a boy started getting fresh with her she could be all, “Don’t make me get my dad hand out!”

ME: I wonder if this is the weirdest fight we’ve ever had.

VICTOR: Not. Even. Close.

— Reprinted from Jenny Lawson’s Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir (pp 164–168) by arrangement with G. P. Putnam’s Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA), LLC.

Copyright © 2012 by Jenny Lawson.

---

[Note: As per stipulation of KYSO’s reprint agreement with the publisher, the following link is provided for readers who wish to purchase the book:

www.penguin.com/book/lets-pretend-this-never-happened-by-jenny-lawson/9780399159015 ]

Jenny Lawson

Journalist and creator of The Bloggess, which is listed by Forbes.com as among the Top 100 Websites for Women in 2010 and a finalist for the 2011 Weblog Awards.

Ms. Lawson is also author of The New York Times best-selling memoir, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (Penguin Group USA, 2012). Entertaining details are available at The Bloggess.

More on the Web: By, About, and Beyond

⚡ “Traveling Red Dress” Movement Proves Social Media Foundation Is Still People, Empowerment by Jennifer Leggio in Forbes (9 January 2012)

⚡ Let’s Pretend WHAT Never Happened? The Bloggess Interview by Victoria Mixon (June 2010)

⚡ Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: How The Bloggess Jenny Lawson Found Her Voice Online by Lisa Belkin in The Huffington Post (18 April 2010)