KYSO Flash
Knock-Your-Socks-Off Art and Literature
Issue 1: Fall 2014
CNF Essay: 799 words [R]

Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus

by Jenny Lawson

Car conversation with Victor:

ME: Oh my God, did you see the name of that cemetery we just passed? “Resurrection Cemetery.” What a horrible name for a cemetery.

VICTOR: It’s because they believe in the resurrection of believers, dumb-ass.

ME: Still. Some things just shouldn’t be resurrected. Just what we need is a bunch of damn zombies wandering the earth.

VICTOR: That’s not “resurrection.” That’s “reanimation.”

ME: Same difference. Although I guess “Reanimation Cemetery” would sound way more creepy.

VICTOR: It’s not the same difference. Zombies are reanimated, but they don’t have their previous mental capacity, so it’s not a resurrection. Technically that’s a “zombification.”

ME: Well, if you want to get all technical, then how about vampires?

VICTOR: Um... they’re fine?

ME: What I mean is, vampires have their “previous mental capacity,” thus by your logic they are “resurrected.” Might as well name it “Jesus-Is-Bringing-You-Vampires Cemetery.”

VICTOR: No. That’s not the same thing, because when you resurrect someone from the grave they aren’t undead.

ME: No, they are TOTALLY undead. That’s like the very definition of the undead.

VICTOR: No. A vampire is undead. The resurrected aren’t undead.

ME: I think you don’t know what “undead” means.


ME: Oh my God, calm down, Darwin. Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey wrench in your faulty Jesus-zombie logic.

VICTOR: [sigh] Look, there are all sorts of exceptions you aren’t considering. You can reanimate someone without making them a real “zombie.” For instance, you could bring them back simply to perform a task.

ME: Yeah. And that’s called a zombie.

VICTOR: No, because it wouldn’t crave brains. It’d just have a job to do. Look it up.

ME: Oh, I will look it up. I’ll look it up in “The Dictionary of Shit That Doesn’t Exist.”

***** Five minutes of angry silence *****

ME: So, I was talking to the organ donation lady at work the other day and she told me a secret way that you can’t not give away my organs.

VICTOR: You know what? I fucking dare you to make less sense.

ME: Well, I know you’re anti-organ donation, and so I told her I was afraid that you wouldn’t let the doctor take my organs if I died first, but she said if I list my mom as my next of kin on my donor card then they won’t even ask you for your permission.

VICTOR: If you want to throw away all your organs I won’t stop you. Just don’t come complaining to me when I see you in the afterlife and you’re all, ”Oh my God, I just peed all over myself because someone else has my bladder.”

ME: Fine. And if you die first I’m totally donating all your organs too.

VICTOR: Like hell you are. I may need them.

ME: Why would you need them? YOU’RE DEAD.

VICTOR: What if I become a zombie? Huh, smart-ass? I’d be a pretty shitty zombie if they took my eyes out. I’d be biting poles and cats and shit.

ME: So you’re making a decision not to save someone’s life on the off chance that it might be inconvenient if you turn into a less efficient zombie?

VICTOR: It sounds stupid when you say it.

ME: Fine. I’ll just donate the parts that a zombie doesn’t need. Like your skin. Or your brain tissue.

VICTOR: Zombies need brains.

ME: No, zombies eat brains. And then those victims become other zombies, even though their brains have been eaten by other zombies, so obviously you could donate your brain and still be a functional zombie.

VICTOR: Yeah, and then I’ve gotta spend eternity wandering the world as a mindless idiot.

ME: [snort]

VICTOR: Shut up.

ME: I didn’t say anything.

VICTOR: If zombie-me finds out I’ve got parts missing you will be the very first person I eat.

ME: What if you die in a car crash and Hailey is badly injured and the only way she can survive is if she can have your kidneys?

VICTOR: She’d be a pretty fucked-up-looking toddler with my gigantic man-size kidneys in her.

ME: Okay, what if she’s sixteen when it happens?

VICTOR: If she’s sixteen and I die then she can totally have my stuff. But just the nonessential an arm or some fingers.

ME: I’m sure she’ll be the most popular girl in school with your hairy old man arm.

VICTOR: Ooh, and if a boy started getting fresh with her she could be all, “Don’t make me get my dad hand out!”

ME: I wonder if this is the weirdest fight we’ve ever had.

VICTOR: Not. Even. Close.

— Reprinted from Jenny Lawson’s Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir (pp 164–168) by arrangement with G. P. Putnam’s Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA), LLC.

Copyright © 2012 by Jenny Lawson.

[Note: As per stipulation of KYSO’s reprint agreement with the publisher, the following link is provided for readers who wish to purchase the book: ]

Jenny Lawson
Issue 1, Fall 2014

Journalist and creator of The Bloggess, which is listed by as among the Top 100 Websites for Women in 2010 and a finalist for the 2011 Weblog Awards.

Ms. Lawson is also author of The New York Times best-selling memoir, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (Penguin Group USA, 2012). Entertaining details are available at The Bloggess.

More on the Web: By, About, and Beyond

“Traveling Red Dress” Movement Proves Social Media Foundation Is Still People, Empowerment by Jennifer Leggio in Forbes (9 January 2012)

Let’s Pretend WHAT Never Happened? The Bloggess Interview by Victoria Mixon (June 2010)

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: How The Bloggess Jenny Lawson Found Her Voice Online by Lisa Belkin in The Huffington Post (18 April 2010)

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